In a surprising development, due to a compromise with President Obama, the Higgs boson has made itself known to scientists. The president had worked behind the scenes day after day with the Higgs, making covert agreements to concede some of the most basic laws of nature and science, but the Higgs would not relent. The president then settled on gravity as a compromise position. He agreed to major cuts in gravity for the foreseeable future, possibly leaving all Americans flying off into the atmosphere for the rest of his tenure. The Higgs boson formally agreed to appear to scientists minutes after the law came into effect today.
President Obama hailed this historic event as symbolic of our national character, and a true example of compromise where shared sacrifice is achieved. He noted that not only will we finally discover something scientists have always searched for, but now Americans won't be tied down to any specific location. "This will make it easier to find those scarce jobs," he said, "because with gas prices so high and our manufacturing sector shrinking, and with Republicans assaulting unions every day, Americans needed a simple way to get from place to place faster. Now you aren't stuck in your town, you're able to just float away. This compromise was the only option left."
Told that Republicans could capitalize on this move - seizing on this opportunity, they are already formulating plans to move the earth's axis one degree and make the planets and the sun revolve around the Earth so it lines up with Biblical teachings - President Obama says he "takes John Boehner at his word" that he has America's best interests in mind. "Listen, the Republicans are true patriots who love America as much as anyone else. There is no way they would jeopardize any of us. I have complete faith in the Republican party and their goals." Calling a question about Republicans' leverage for future deals that may hurt Democratic interests "ridiculous" he reiterated that a "grand bargain" is needed at this time and Americans will be happy with the results in time. "The important thing is that this bill raises all Americans up without raising one cent of revenue," he noted.